i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
