I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
