No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
