I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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