Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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