I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
