I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
