the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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