I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
