my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
