I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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