i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Holy sore nipples Batman
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
