if i can run in heels then i can drive
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
