If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
