He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
