Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
