apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I think I won the penis lottery.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
