I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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