I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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