it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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