I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
