I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
