i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
