Need sex. Gaining weight.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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