The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize