We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
