so explain again why im purple
no
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
