Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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