if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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