what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
