Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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