I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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