Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My bed smells like the plague
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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