I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
zippers are such a cool invention
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
