i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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