this boner is exhausting
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
