Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
