Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
