i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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