You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just found puke in my bra..
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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