Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
