just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
