What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
