my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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