i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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