If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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