I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
