Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
