I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
