her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
