tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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