for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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