I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
