Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
