just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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