the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
