There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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