i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize