I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
