May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
