Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize