Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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