i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
