dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
