last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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